#1  
Old 11-14-2004, 05:13 PM
The Shadow Of His Former Self Offline
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This is my first post on the fourms and i'm nervious. I know this is a pretty crappy story and i'm new[size=1] to doing this so make comments and if you want to me to continue and you want a character you can post a made up character or urself. Name, Age, Alignment, Living Or Dead. Enemy or Ally

B) It was dark as I walked down the street . Screams were echoing all around me I had lost my team in an ambush hours ago. But it felt like a few minutes had pasted. We were sent in to check out what happened when a Missile carrying a Virus was released on the city of Lexington. As we entered the Destroyed City of Lexington in our Humvee I couldn't see any signs of life.

Suddenly we heard a loud scream "Noooo, Get the hell away from meeee!" We quickly drove to the source of the scream. When we got there it was very dark, I could hardily see even with the headlights on, there was somebody in the middle of the street and some body was over him doing something to him.The lights shun at the zombie, it quickly got up and ran to the shadows. Captain Jaxs said "Jeff, get your ~~~ out of the humvee and go check the person out. I slow crepted out of the vehicle with my flashlight and pistol. As I walked toward the body a vile stench that caught my nose and it smelled like meat that you left out for to long. "Yuck" I said "It smells disgusting!" As I neared the body I got a closer look. I shouted "OH MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL!" as I stared at the body the chest has been torn open and the insides of the person where no longer inside the person and some had been ripped out. His heart had been half eat his intestines where all over the place with little chunks bitten out every few inches it was a horrid site, I barfed at the sight of this.

::zombie:: I slowily backed up from the corpse. As I was backing up someone shouted out "Jeff look out behind you" I bumped into someone or something. I turned around and looked at who I bumped into, as I raised I flashlight to see what I had bumped into I screamed "What the hell!" Standing in front of me it looked like the remains of a person who had been torn and ripped up. It suddenly lunged at me trying to take a bite out of me. Dropped I ran around in circles and shouted out "Shoot it!! Shoot it!!!” A girl from my team quickly rushed out of the humvee with her shotgun and bashed it on the head. Its head cracked open and its brains started oozing out. As I stopped and got my breath back and said "Let’s get the hell out of here!" "Oh crap" as a horde of creatures started approaching us. I rushed into the humvee. "Drive, Drive, Drive!" The stepped on the gas and we zoomed off into the city.

There were lots of shadows on the roads but that at didn't really matter as we where hitting them any ways. Then we hit something that said "Hey, I was still alive ~~~ holes!" We slowed to a stop and got out of the vehicle to check him out. The person got up and said "Ouch, Who the heck are you guys and can you guys help me find some shelter there’s a **** load of zombies out here!" Captain Jaxs said "We are from the military we where sent to check out a miss----" I was in the in the back as I listen. Suddenly I felt something hitting me in the back hard. As I fell to the ground I saw a zombie behind me. My teammates quickly ran for the humvee but zombies where all over it and the driver. Everybody scrambled though the streets and ran there own direction into the darkness. I got up and pulled my gun out from my hostler.... I said and pulled my gun out my hostler. "**** I dropped forgot to pick up my pistol from the first zombie!" I got up and ran and ran till I could run no more. Then I remember my hosteller was on the other side. I was trying to putting my hands into my pants.


Againist post comments this is my first story it may be crap but its the best I could think of tonight and i'm sleepy.
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  #2  
Old 11-15-2004, 10:02 AM
Rich Offline
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Join Date: Nov 2004
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Not bad,

one word
PARAGRAPHS
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Rich or in game known as Beretta

NSPlayer For life
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  #3  
Old 11-15-2004, 11:53 AM
UnclePaul Offline
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 56
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That was incredibly hard to read.

As Rich said, you need to break it up a little instead of having a large block of text. And I don't mean to be rude, but your spelling and grammer need to be checked as well.

And lastly, try to be more descriptive. Sorry if this seems rude, just trying to provide constructive critisism.
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  #4  
Old 11-15-2004, 03:59 PM
The Shadow Of His Former Self Offline
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Join Date: Nov 2004
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Quote:
Originally posted by UnclePaul@Nov 15 2004, 12:53 PM
That was incredibly hard to read.

As Rich said, you need to break it up a little instead of having a large block of text. And I don't mean to be rude, but your spelling and grammer need to be checked as well.

And lastly, try to be more descriptive. Sorry if this seems rude, just trying to provide constructive critisism.
Thanks.. Can you like try to help guys try to help me space it out into more than 1 paragraph and help me correct my grammer errors. I not to good at writing.
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  #5  
Old 11-15-2004, 04:16 PM
UnclePaul Offline
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 56
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I have college and work tomorrow, but if i have time i'll try and help break it down into paragraphs. You should write the story in word and then copy and paste onto the forum, that way you can make use of the spelling and grammer checker!

Please do continue this story though cos it's sounds like it could be quite intense!
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  #6  
Old 11-15-2004, 07:24 PM
The Shadow Of His Former Self Offline
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 18
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Quote:
B) It was dark as I walked down the street . Screams were echoing all around me I had lost my team in an ambush hours ago. But it felt like a few minutes had pasted. We were sent in to check out what happened when a Missile carrying a Virus was released on the city of Lexington. As we entered the Destroyed City of Lexington in our Humvee I couldn't see any signs of life.
::zombie:: My flashlight started dying, the moans started getting louder. I picked up my pace then I tripped on something and dropped my light. I had tripped over a large object. As I slowily got up. The smell of rotting flesh got closer. I drew my pistol from the correct side of my belt this time. And Shot Randomily "BANG BANG" from where the smell was coming from. I heard a thud. I quickily grabbed my flashlight and checked what I tripped over. "Holy ****, Sweet!" It was a remington shotgun. Then a something in the shadows started moving.... closer... and closer... it got I was scared I pointed my light.

Jeff(Me)
"AHHHHH, whew its just you"

Captain Jaxs
"~~~~ man stop shining that thing in my face"
"Its good to see you"

Jeff(Me)
"You scared me I though you where a zombie.

Captain Jaxs
"Mind lending me a gun I lost in while running."

Jeff
"Heres a shotgun I found I dont have any shells for it either,"

As I handed him the shotgun a zombie came up behind him and tried to bite him in the neck. I grabbed the threw him off of Jaxs. Then I inspected his neck and he did get bitten.

Captain Jaxs
"~~~~ that was close"

As Jaxs got up. I inspected the zombie. It was the same zombie I had shot before. But how I killed it again. Suddenly Jax took the sh ::zombie:: otgun and smashed the zombie's brain.

Jeff
"Why did you do that"

Captain Jaxs
"It totally kills them, I saw it in a movie."

Jeff
"Hehe"

Jaxs told me we had to get to the police station and quick the rest of the team was there and they needed help. We quickily rushed off into the darkness.

To be continued... Maybe
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